Skip to main content

Genesis 3: The Fall of Man

Image
By

Image result for adam and eve
Free fruit, talking snakes—this place is great!



One of the man’s rejected pets, a snake, approached the woman and asked her if it was true that the new humans could eat from all of the trees.  The woman said, “We can—just not that one tree in the middle of the garden with the ‘Danger: do not eat’ signs all over it.  It’ll kill us.”  “It won’t kill you,” said the snake.  “Why would God put something here that will kill you?  He just doesn’t want you to know how to do his job, which requires knowing the difference between good and evil.  If you knew the difference between good and evil, then you wouldn’t stay in middle management forever.”  Eager for a promotion, the woman ate some of the forbidden fruit and got the man to eat it, too.  Suddenly the woman realized she had small breasts and a slight roll of fat around her abdomen, and the man realized his penis was a little small and that he didn’t like the hair on his chest.  They then made their first clothes, out of fig leaves.  Worse fashions were destined to come later.

That evening they heard God walking around the garden, so they hid behind trees.  “Where are you, man?” called God.  The man replied, “I’m a little out of shape so I don’t need You to see me and pass judgment,” he said.  “Who told you you were out of shape?  Did you eat from that tree?  Dammit!  I give you just one rule to follow, and what do you do?  You screw it up!”

“Well, actually,” said the man, “it was the woman who ate it first and then gave it to me to eat.  She started it.”

“Thanks a lot,” said the woman.  “See if I ever stick up for you.”  Then she said, “Actually, it was the snake’s fault.”

“Excellent delegation of blame,” said God.  “You two are perfect for middle management.  And since you, man, didn’t come up with the bad idea, you’re in charge.  Don’t listen to the woman anymore.  And no bonus for either of you this year.  Snake: you’re fired.  Get outta here.”  Then the man named the woman Eve, which she couldn’t object to, since he was in charge, but since that was a girl’s name, it wasn’t so bad.

The snake was out of the equation, but the humans were a problem.  “Now that they know the difference between good and evil, they’ll be like one of us.  So I’d better kick them out,” said God, and the man had to leave Eden, take the skills he’d learned and create his own startup.  “Wait a minute,” thought God to Himself.  “What do I mean, ‘one of us’?  Who else is there like Me, anyway?”
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How the Lemon was Invented

By
Lemons How do you make a lemon?  Silly question, isn’t it?  You just take the seeds out of one and plant them, and wait for the tree to come up, right?  That’s true, but it hasn’t always been that easy.  Lemons today are a widely cultivated citrus fruit, with a flavor used in cuisines of countries where no lemon tree would ever grow.  You might think that it was just a matter of ancient peoples finding the trees, enjoying their fruit and growing more of them, but that’s not true.  The lemon is a human invention that’s maybe only a few thousand years old. The first lemons came from East Asia, possibly southern China or Burma.  (These days, some prefer to refer to Burma as Myanmar .  I’ll try to stay out of that controversy here and stick to fruit.)  The exact date of the lemon’s first cultivation is not known, but scientists figure it’s been around for more than 4,000 years.  The lemon is a cross breed of several fruits.  One f...
6 comments
Read more

Origins of the Word Hoser, eh?

By
Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas as cultural icons Bob and Doug McKenzie These days we often hear Canadians referred to as “Hosers”.  It’s a strange word, and it sounds a little insulting, but it’s sometimes used more with affection than malice.  Any such word is difficult to use correctly, especially if you don’t belong to the group the word describes.   I can’t say I feel comfortable throwing the word around, myself, but I can offer a little information about it that might shed some light on what it means. First off: is it an insult?  Yes… and no.   The word hoser can be used as an insult or as a term of endearment; the variation hosehead , is certainly an insult.  It’s a mild insult, meaning something like jerk or idiot or loser .  Its origin is unclear, and there are several debatable etymologies of the word.  One claims that it comes from the days before the zamboni was invented, when the losing team of an outdoor ice hockey game...
1 comment
Read more

The Whoopie Cap

By
What can you do with your father’s old hats?  If you were born after, say, 1955, the answer is probably “Not much.”  Men were still wearing fedoras in the 1970s and 1980s, but by 1990, fashion had turned to the point where unless you were Indiana Jones, the hat didn’t look right.  Some blame Jack Kennedy for starting it all, strutting around perfectly coiffed and bare-headed in the early 1960s.  In 1953, Harry Truman, a haberdasher by trade, stepped out of office, and just eight years later we had a president who didn’t care for hats?  The times, they were a-changin’. If you set the WABAC machine to the 1920s or 1930s (when Indiana Jones was supposed to have lived), you would see the fedora was still very much in style.  Men just didn’t leave the house without a hat of some kind, and for what remained of the middle class, the fedora was the topper of choice.  But like any other piece of clothing, hats wear out, too.  When that happened, you’d ju...
Post a Comment
Read more