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Genesis 6: The Naval Draft

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Perhaps in preparation for the feasibility of Social Security, God decided to lower the lifespan of human beings to 120.  It was a time when God was having second thoughts, and started thinking about destroying everything and everyone He had made.  Making matters worse were other gods, which had to make God very uncomfortable.  These other gods were called Nephilim, and were having sex with the human females on earth, which no doubt made the human males very uncomfortable, as well.  Even someone as cool as a shepherd can’t compete against a celestial being, after all.  God was going to kill all of them—except for Noah, whom He liked.

God liked Noah because Noah was the only honest man He could find.  This is why He felt comfortable telling Noah that he was going to kill everyone pretty soon, and that He was going to do it with a flood, so a boat might be in order.  A big one.  In fact, God was specific, saying to build the thing with a cypress framework, covered with reeds, then covered with pitch.  The boat was called an ark, and was to be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide and 30 cubits tall, which is more than twice the size of a 1998 Ford Expedition SUV.  The ark was to have three decks, and was to be stocked with two of every animal in the world, plus enough food for them and Noah and his family.  This was not a request but an order, making Noah the first person ever pressed into naval service.
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