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Genesis 9: Drinking, Animals, Nudity

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Dad's drunk and naked.  Again.


Soon after promising to never again to kill off all life, God realized how imprudent this was and gave himself an out.  To the Noah family He then said, “You know, when I said the other day that I wouldn’t kill humanity off again, I just meant I wouldn’t do it by flood.  You got that, right?”

“Sure, Lord, whatever You say,” said Noah.

“All right, then: that’s the promise.  You be careful now.  And you’d better take care of all my creatures.  I’m watching you.”

“Lord?” asked Noah.

“Yes?”

“Where’d those penguins come from?  And where’d they go?  They were cute.”

“Never mind.  And if any of you write about this story, don’t mention them.  Or the kangaroos.  Or the llamas.”

“Why not, Lord?”

“Don’t ‘why not’ Me!  I am the Lord, thy God!  That should be enough!  Now dig this rainbow.  Whenever you see this, remember that it means that I’m not going to kill you all.  By flood.”

“All right, Lord,” said Noah’s family.

Noah’s sons went on to reproduce.  Ham did well enough that he fathered a whole nation, called Canaan.  Noah went into farming, and became the first tiller of the soil—unless you count Cain, who never thought to lay claim to the title “First Tiller of the Soil.”  Noah was a much better self-promoter.

Noah planted grapes and made lots of wine.  He enjoyed the wine a little bit more than he should, and would get drunk and naked and pass out.  Noah’s sons learned to put up with this, but tried to be discrete.  One night after Noah had collapsed after a particularly wild bender, Ham saw Noah naked and told his brothers about it.  The three brothers then slipped into Noah’s tent to put his coat over him so he wouldn’t die of hypothermia.  Apparently Noah was embarrassed that Ham had seen him naked, and provoked by a raging hangover, he tore into Canaan, swearing that he wanted to see Ham’s brothers wreck the country at Ham’s expense.  This abuse would have been intolerable if Noah’s boys had to tolerate it for a long time, but as it turned out this only went on for 350 more years, so time just flew.

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