Caravaggio - The Sacrifice of Isaac (1603) A bit later on, God was chatting with Abraham again.   “Fine boy you got there,” He said.   “A wonderful addition to your family and to the whole tribe.   Which is why I need to you take young Isaac up into the mountains and make him into a burnt offering to Me.” What parent hasn’t dreamed of this moment every now and then?   Abraham gathered up some kindling, his boy, two servants and a donkey.   They headed for the land of Moriah, which apparently had pretty lax child endangerment statutes, and in three days found a mountain suitable for burnt offerings of your own child.   Abraham told the servants to stay put with the donkey while he and Isaac went off to worship in private.   He made Isaac carry the wood for the burnt offering. “Why must I carry the wood, Father?” asked Isaac. “Difficult chores build character,” explained Abraham. “Oh.   Say, what’s our burn...

Cain and Abel: inventors of sibling rivalry. Eve had a problem.   She was knocked up by this man, but she wasn’t married.   In fact, she had two boys before out of wedlock, which might have scandalized the rest of her family, if they existed.   The boys grew up with their emotions unchecked, due to their parents carrying around guilt, worrying about social stigma, even though it wasn’t apparent whether society had even been invented yet.   They had issues.   The boys were lucky—they would be able to blame their problems on their parents’ inability to deal with these issues.   Who could their parents blame? The boys were Cain, who grew up to be a farmer, and Abel, who grew up to be a shepherd.   This meant that come sacrifice time, Abel was in a position to bring more impressive sacrifices to God, since He has always had a thing for lambs.   Cain grew jealous of his younger brother, who Mom always liked best.   And now God. ...

The King James Bible was written in 1605, which means that there had previously been centuries of Bible writing and rewriting.  King James' version is one of the more famous, but it certainly wasn't the first, and it certainly wasn't the last.  There have been many others who have tried their hands at rewriting the Bible since then—telling the same story, only with different words.  Since the copyright has almost certainly lapsed by now, I figure I might as well take a crack at it.  Here's Genesis I. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.   Before that, God created God, because the creation of God was such a good yet complicated idea that only a Perfect Being could think of how to do it, which is why God created Himself.   It was pretty dark, so God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light; and God liked it so much He renamed it day, and let day go on all day, and when day was over the darkness came back, and He r...