Dad's drunk and naked.  Again. Soon after promising to never again to kill off all life, God realized how imprudent this was and gave himself an out.   To the Noah family He then said, “You know, when I said the other day that I wouldn’t kill humanity off again, I just meant I wouldn’t do it by flood .   You got that, right?” “Sure, Lord, whatever You say,” said Noah. “All right, then: that’s the promise.   You be careful now.   And you’d better take care of all my creatures.   I’m watching you.” “Lord?” asked Noah. “Yes?” “Where’d those penguins come from?   And where’d they go?   They were cute.” “Never mind.   And if any of you write about this story, don’t mention them.   Or the kangaroos.   Or the llamas.” “Why not, Lord?” “Don’t ‘why not’ Me!   I am the Lord, thy God!   That should be enough!   Now dig this rainbow.   Whenever you see this, remember that it means that ...

This photographic evidence of Noah's Ark on Mount Ararat has silenced all doubters of the story of the Great Flood. On July 17 the ark bottomed out on Mount Ararat in northwestern Turkey.   With nowhere else to go, Noah and his family and the animals waited.   On October 1, other mountaintops started to appear.   Sensing progress in the recession of the flood, Noah sprang into action and after forty days he started sending birds out to look for dry land.   One of the birds, a dove, returned after a week with a freshly plucked olive leaf in its beak, which was nothing short of miraculous itself, since olive trees typically take more than 47 days to grow, much less to sprout leaves.   A week later he released the dove again and it never returned, which was risky, since the only other dove in the world was still on the ark, thus risking extinction of the species, which would have earned Noah the eternal gratitude of New Yorkers who get pelted with their ...

No one born after Noah's age has ever substantiated a claim that they've seen a unicorn. God made his point again that He thought Noah and his family were the only ones on the earth who weren’t worth killing.   God then averted certain extinction of many species by clarifying that by two of each species, He meant one male and one female.   It took a while to build the ark, so Noah was 600 years old when it was ready and the floods were coming.   Gathering the animals was hard work, too, as must have been making them all stay still and not wander off while waiting for the ark to be finished and for Noah to come back with more animals.   To gather all the animals, Noah must have had to travel far, but how he got to southern Africa, eastern Asia, Australia and the Americas is not recorded in Genesis. The flood started and Noah ordered all the animals into the ark, along with his wife and three boys (who were the only creatures on the ark not paired up wit...

Perhaps in preparation for the feasibility of Social Security, God decided to lower the lifespan of human beings to 120.   It was a time when God was having second thoughts, and started thinking about destroying everything and everyone He had made.   Making matters worse were other gods, which had to make God very uncomfortable.   These other gods were called Nephilim, and were having sex with the human females on earth, which no doubt made the human males very uncomfortable, as well.   Even someone as cool as a shepherd can’t compete against a celestial being, after all.   God was going to kill all of them—except for Noah, whom He liked. God liked Noah because Noah was the only honest man He could find.   This is why He felt comfortable telling Noah that he was going to kill everyone pretty soon, and that He was going to do it with a flood, so a boat might be in order.   A big one.   In fact, God was specific, saying to build the thing...